Becoming a mom of two= scariest transition

I first became a mom to a beautiful baby girl on November 3rd 2013 at exactly 7:30pm. (if you're not considering me a mom the whole time I was pregnant, if you are then I was a mom approx. 9 months prior to that.) But she came a whole month and three days early, her lungs were premature, and they thought she had a blood infection (the reason they thought she may have decided to come early) after about 21 hours of labor and the choice to get an epidural, baby girl didn't tolerate it well and we ended up having to bring her into this world via emergency csection. After birth we were told that the hospital we were at didn't offer the care she needed and then we were faced with the decision to send her to one of 3 hospitals of all varying distances and we weren't allowed to go with her. The hospital choice was easy, but the whole "having them whisk your baby an hour away to a different hospital while you have to stay and recover," not the most easy thing I've ever had to do. i ended up leaving the hospital less than 24 hours after I had given birth (yes I gave birth and if you think a csection isn't or you think that its the "easy way out" then GTFO with your shit). She spent exactly 2 weeks in the NICU but not for what they originally thought she would be in for. She didn't have a blood infection and by the time we got there the next day, she was off oxygen and breathing on her own (the amount of thanks I gave Jesus were in the thousands I'm sure) but those two weeks she spent in there were because she wouldn't eat as much as she should be at her age. *insert eye roll here* we spent 2 weeks in there because my baby that ate like 8oz the day we brought her home wouldn't eat like 20mls in the NICU. But, she grew up into a fun, sassy, silly, amazing little girl.

Fast forward almost 3 years to September 2016 and that sassy toddler was with me when I took my first pregnancy test. She was there the whole time asking me if I needed help and wondering what I was doing. (she must be shoved up my butt at all times) When the test came back positive, I was elated but, my first born was now (to me) no longer an only child. Just like that her single child status was taken from her and she literally had no idea. For some reason that hit me harder than it should. We both got in the car, drove to Walmart and decided on a way to surprise her daddy with our newly discovered good news, meanwhile she literally had no idea what was going on.

The next 7 or so months were unfortunately a blur of doctors appts, ultrasounds (we had like 3 because the techs just couldn't get the pictures they needed of babys heart), and trying to push through the dizziness, body aches, pelvic pain, and SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction...pretty much where the ligaments that hold your leg into your pelvis shift with every movement) meanwhile trying so very hard to soak up all the last moments id have with my first born. Our last lunch together, the last time cuddling together uninterrupted, our last shopping trip, last trip to the park....I tried to spend the whole pregnancy preparing my daughter for the new addition that would soon be on her way. We got her a present from "the baby" and I asked if she wanted mommy to have a baby and if it was okay if the baby came and lived with us, the answer was thankfully yes to both questions but I knew she didn't fully understand so it made it really heartbreaking.

On June 4th I went in for preoperative bloodwork (repeat csection) and come to find out, my water was starting to leak so guess what? another unplanned birth only days before I was suppose to. there weren't extra nurses or doctors there, no anesthesiologist, nothing so they had to call everyone in (only me I swear it). it was so sudden and I didn't feel like I got to prepare for my last days with my first born for what was to come. Did I tell her I loved her enough? Could I love both girls the same? surely not. would she resent me for bringing in another baby? would she think that I didn't love her as much now? would she know that no matter what she would always be my baby? my mind raced, and my heart BROKE.

Then at 1:18pm our newest addition was born. 10 fingers, 10 toes, perfect, chunky, and nursed like a champ. I was terrified on how our oldest would feel about it. At first my fears were confirmed. She wanted NOTHING to do with the baby and it seemed like at first, nothing to do with me either. My heart hurt, I wanted to cry, I wanted to go home, and I wanted it to just be me a my littlest best friend again. I loved this baby with all of my heart and all I wanted was for them to love each other and for our oldest to accept this new tiny addition into our lives. 3 weeks in and she still didn't want to hold her, kiss her, or even have anything to do with her and it was just when I didn't think that it was going to get better, she finally came around! after 3 weeks she kissed her, loved on her, and started LOVING to help her (she gets me diapers, the wipes, wants to help me with bottles, etc.) She's literally the best big sister and honestly its like it didn't even phase her...at all. She's still my littlest best friend, she still loves me, and our relationship has just gotten stronger, and I really don't think I could feel any more blessed than I am! I have two healthy, beautiful, strong little girls and my heart is beyond full!

Even now though I do look back on the days when it was just me and her and I miss it. Its hard to actually remember it being just me and her since it seems like our youngest has been with us forever (though its only been 3 short months). But, I really do miss it being just us and honestly I just miss her. when all my attention was just on her and only her. I even had a break down the other night because I realized just how big she actually was. She's almost 4 and no longer a baby. She's grown into her big brown eyes (which are still pretty big, but she fits into them better), her "little" fingers and toes aren't so little anymore and she doesn't fit into my lap the way she used to. My heart hurts for the baby she once was and when it was just her and I getting up in the morning, the late night feedings, the baby cuddles (I get them now with our newest baby, but I want first born cuddles). She also doesn't need me as much anymore, which breaks my heart because I have no idea when that happened but apparently it did. But, I'm just happy that ive been able to adapt to both girls, they love each other, and my heart has grown to accommodate both girls, and our oldest doesn't feel left out. Maybe sometime here soon I can leave the baby with daddy and my oldest and I can go see a movie together or something.