Exclusive Pumping and why It needed to be done.

When my first daughter was born I had no plan. I didn't care what diapers we used, I didn't care how she ate as long as she was getting fed, I didn't care how much she slept or what her room would look like, and I didn't give much thought to what would happen after she got to come home to us. It was all new and lets face it, I had NO idea what I was doing. NONE. But she was a healthy, beautiful, chubby, happy baby and I had no issues with the fact that she was formula fed. (and I still to this day don't regret my decision, formula is a gift from God)

But, for some reason this time around I feel differently. Chyler needed cloth diapers, I needed her to sleep through the night (I have a three year old, late nights and extremely broken up sleep are not on my list of "wants"), I felt guilty that she didn't have her own room (she sleeps in our room), and she absolutely NEEDED to be breastfed...it wasn't an option.

So, I read all the books, watched all the videos on youtube that showed you how to "get the perfect latch" I sat down and talked to friends who had breastfed their babies and took all the mental notes (and physical notes) that I could. Though terrified, I felt somewhat confident in my knowledge on how to feed my baby as "nature intended.' When she arrived on June 4th 2017 she latched PERFECTLY no issues, no pain, it was calming, relaxing, and I prayed to make it through whatever pain I could because I knew it was coming eventually.

But let me tell you, nothing and I mean NOTHING could have prepared me for what came about 3 feeds later. it was like something happened (maybe her sucking reflex kicked in?) she not only sucked but she chomped down when she nursed...every single time she started nursing she would chomp down with every powerful suck and let me tell you, it was absolutely mind numbing. It was like someone was taking boiling hot, alcohol covered razor blades and slicing them through my nipples. My nipples and my areola were BRUISED and to make it worse, her mouth was too small to open wide enough. (only me) she was checked for lip and tongue ties by a Lactation Consultant and her latch was even checked. literally everything checked out as normal except for the absolute AGONIZING pain I felt when she would nurse.

I literally had to have my mom and the LC stand there with cold wash cloths out of the fridge and rotate them out because I was in so much pain that I was sweating, shaking, and my teeth were chattering. I tried and tried for 2 days to get this to work, around the clock, every 2 hours she nursed and every single feeding I dreaded to the point where I thought I would throw up. Finally on the second night there I reached my breaking point. I burst into tears and just sobbed for about 20 minutes straight because she was due for a feed soon. I couldn't do it anymore and there was NO WAY that it was suppose to be like this, and if it was, then no one in the world would breastfeed. It was the most agonizing pain I have felt in my life and ive been in labor twice and had two cesarean sections, I don't care what anyone tells you, breastfeeding is suppose to be uncomfortable and hurt in the beginning but even my LC agreed, its not suppose to feel like THAT!

When it came time to feed her at about 2 am, I reached that breaking point and Kyle suggested that I just pump until my nipples healed (They were literally bleeding, bruised, and pieces of skin were coming off). But I wanted to push through...this isn't how its suppose to me...I needed to push through...she depended on me and this was what I wanted! I wanted the bond that comes with breastfeeding and I wanted the best for my baby! I was so torn because I knew I couldn't keep doing this and I knew that it most definitely wasn't suppose FEEL this way. THANKFULLY I have the best, most understanding and rational husband who literally set me down and said, "you are in excruciating pain to the point where you're shaking, you're dreading feeds, you're crying and you're miserable. If you're in tears and hysterical, what good are you doing her or yourself? you want this to be an amazing bond and you cant even make it through one feeding without bawling your eyes out. maybe you should pump until your healed or at least until next feeding time." Hearing him say this made me cry even harder. He was right and I wanted him to be wrong in every sense of the word, but he wasn't. He was so right.

I had a one track mind when it came to breastfeeding, baby...nipple....breastfeeding. That's how its suppose to be and I did not want to pump. But, my nipples were shredded and bleeding...bruised and painful and if I wanted her to get my milk then I needed to suck it up (see what I did there?) and pump. If only just to save my sanity for a little bit.

So, I hooked myself up to the pump and pumped for about 15 minutes. I'll tell you what, it was a breath of fresh air, it didn't hurt...at all. I literally set there, pain free, collected my thoughts, and still got milk for my baby. it was the easiest thing I had done in days and it was such a relief to actually sit there, relieve the pressure, not have my nipples ripped off my a savage baby and let her dad feed her. I regained a little bit of my sanity that day. I talked to my lactation consultant and told her I would like to end up pumping until I could feel more comfortable and until my nipples healed up a little. While I genuinely thought she would judge me (I mean they are there to help you nurse right?! not pump) but she was so amazing and so supportive. I didn't sense even the slightest bit of judgement from here and she actually told me that my determination was amazing and even though baby girl wasn't nursing, I was still doing the absolute best I could for her, and that was the first time I actually believed it and didn't feel incredibly guilty for my decision.

Once home, things just kind of fell into place it just stuck. We've tried nursing I think 3 or 4 other times and every time, it just doesn't work. after a few minutes I'm in so much pain that I can feel it in my back, arm, and my nipples feel like they're being ran through glass shards again. She's been checked again for latch issues and tongue and lip ties and everything still just checks out. She has no latch issues, no ties, nothing....her pediatrician did say that she has an incredibly strong suck and that could contribute to the pain I feel but it shouldn't be as bad as it is. So, I've came to terms that for some reason there's something wrong with me and I just cant nurse and I'm okay with it. Do I still sit here and long to be able to nurse? sure. Do I wish with all my might that I could make it work? yes. But at the end of the day, she is getting what she needs, when she needs it, and she's still BREASTFED, just not from the tap. My day revolves around scheduled feedings, pumping, and planning outings based on when I need to pump and how long I can keep the milk we need to take with us in the cooler. It's definitely not for everyone and most people don't do it and if they would be willing to, they don't even know it exists or that its even a thing.

I wish more people knew about Exclusively Pumping and even knew that it was an option. People are told that there are two options to feeding; breastfeeding (nursing) and formula and that's kind of where it stops. While EP is considered breastfeeding, its not the norm and so in peoples minds it doesn't exist. I mean, it wasn't until I was on one of my mom groups that another momma was EP and referred me to an EP group that I even knew that other people did it and that there was a whole community of these women! I mean, a whole group of thousands of women across the world that dedicate their lives to pumping for their littles!! Women that had babies with cleft palates, bad latches, tongue ties, just wouldn't latch, and even a few women who had my issue where their baby was just too strong and had too powerful of a latch and it was painful. it was refreshing to say the least. I now had the support from so many women who understood what I was doing and the struggles I was going through, which is what every woman needs.

I guess what I'm hoping to gain from this blog is for it to reach at least one person who doesn't know EP exists and it can either help them or someone they know. There isn't just nursing and formula. There's combo feeding (breastmilk and formula) and there's also EP, if your heart was set on nursing like I wanted to and you just couldn't, its possible for you to pump and feed. Your baby will still get the nutrient rich milk that they would be getting if you were nursing and I'm here to tell you, the bond with my daughter is just as strong as it would be if she was nursing. So, if you're reading this and are having issues nursing, just know this is an option if you're really dedicated to giving your baby breastmilk, and I also know a great group you could be a part of!